Category: Blogging

Finding purpose

Sometimes I feel a little lost for things to do or lacking purpose. Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of things in my life that give me purpose. I have a wonderful partner, a (mostly) enjoyable job, good friends and a nice home. These are things I have lacked in in my earlier years and so, they do give me a sense of purpose. But it feels like I am lacking purpose in the smaller things in life.

I don’t feel like a have a ‘thing’. You know how people have ‘things’ that they do, or are into or interested in. I don’t feel like I have that. There are things I enjoy and I like doing like gardening or reading or playing PlayStation… But they don’t really give me a sense of purpose or much achievement.

When I was younger I had a few things that were really important to me as person.

Music. I was massively into listening to new bands and going to gigs. I still enjoy it now but it isn’t a big part of me like it used to be.

Sport. I loved playing football and hockey but when I hit university I moved on from it, in part due to the massive drinking culture with sports societies.

Socialising with people. When I was a teenager and in my early adult years I had a fair few people who I got on with very well and would call friends. We would spend time together, go places and generally have a lot of fun. As I’ve grown up friends have moved away, grown up and been distracted by life (myself included) and so my pool of friends is very small. Not that that is problem, but it is a difference.

I go through these phases of really wanting to focus in on something or learn about something. My last blog post was about a podcast I’ve been listening to about Greek Mythology, I am still listening to it but find myself not being as connected to it as I was. I started blogging because I wanted it to be more of a thing in my life yet I really struggle to keep on top of it or have the motivation to write. I was really into swimming for a while and then life got busy and I was too lazy to build it into my routine again. All of these things I been trying tend to fall by the wayside. It is so frustrating and I only have myself to blame.

Basically, I feel like a very dull person who does not have much interesting to say or give to others because I don’t have a ‘thing’.
I think I really need to push myself to be motivated to try new things and meet new people but it’s scary and different and requires more of a drive than I have. I wish I was more like the younger me. The more carefree me. I guess this is what happens with growing up? Maybe it is that I am ready for a next stage in my life, whatever that might be. Who knows?

The wonderful world of Greek Mythology

Since I was a child I have always been interested in Greek Mythology. There isn’t any particular reason for this, just that I find the stories fascinating.

I have been listening to the Podcast Mythunderstood for the last week (Twitter page: _mythunderstood) which is hosted by Paul and Sarah. It is my first experience of podcasts and it has certainly developed my love of listening to them!

Greek mythology is full of confusing, hardcore and fairly harrowing stories. I am only 10 episodes in and already my mind has been blown. I had a very basic understanding of Greek myths previously but I have learnt so much in a short space of time, from Zeus being a rapey bastard to where all of the Greek models of wooden penis’s come from.

Greek mythology is so far removed from my day to day life and I think that’s why I am enjoying the experience of learning about it so much. It is worlds apart from being a youth worker and it is providing me with escapism and entertainment (particularly during my commute to work!) The only challenge I am having is retaining enough of the information. There is so much to Greek mythology and so many cross overs of relationships and experiences that I have even tried to make sense of ‘family trees’ to get my head around it. Safe to say that that didn’t help all too much. It’s almost like I need to map it out on huge paper! Maybe that is a project for a later date.

What is the purpose of this post you may ask. Well, firstly, I am excited to be learning something new and having something interesting to fill my brain with. Secondly, I am hoping that someone might be able to point me in the direction of other podcasts, books or websites that contain information about Greek Mythology. I am so up for finding out more and I want to drown my brain with Gods, Titans, Demi-Gods, heroes and all the bits in between!

If you can help me out, please do ping me a comment!

The grand house move

Dear the 3, maybe 4, people who actually spend time reading my blog,

I have been very quiet recently due to the grand house move! My apologies to those of you who were interested enough in my ramblings to have missed them!

It has been approximately a month since my partner and I moved into our new house. We have moved from a noisy, busy city to a small town about 20 minutes away from where we were before.

The new town basically feels like bliss in comparison. I am really not a city dweller! Small towns and fields is much more where I’m at!

The new place is lovely however we are still living amongst several boxes and bags of just… stuff. I think I was much more idealistic than my partner about the move. As the logical, forward thinking one, he was pretty certain that we would still be amongst boxes a few months into having moved. In my idealistic way, I was sure we would be unpacked and sorted within in a week. Oh how I couldn’t have been more wrong!

As a side note, I have never had to deal with so many empty cardboard boxes. They are everywhere… in the shed, in the living room, in the kitchen, upstairs… rest assured, the ones that are a bit old and bashed will be recycled but… seriously… we could have just built a house from all of the cardboard boxes we had!

On the plus side, the boxes are basically hidden away so I don’t have to look at them. Having lived in chaos and amongst possibly the most messy people I have ever met a few years back, I now know that I need some sense of order and tidiness in my home. It quite literally makes my brain hurt if there is a tonne of crap lying around. My partner is less impacted by it. This is the first time we have lived together just us so it is a thing to negotiate.

One of the huge benefits of moving out of a city is that we can actually afford to have a place with a garden and enjoy it! Most of my weekends have been spent doing something in the garden, ranging from trying to find ways to get slugs away from the new plants or mowing the lawn in the most cack handed way imaginable. All of these are new experiences for me but it is so enjoyable!

I thought I might miss living in the city. It is where my friends live, it’s where I have spent the last 10 years or so and it is where I experienced a huge amount of highs and lows. So far, I don’t miss it at all. I still work in the city so can see friends easily, and to be quite honest, when I say friends, I mean the two or three people that I actually like spending time with.

So, the grand house move has been good so far. I am fairly certain that the more time goes on, the more my partner and I will need to negotiate different things but, for now, things are ticking along okay. My hope is that in a few months time we will be more sorted and by that point… I will have some fish friends!

Friendship

I can literally count my friends on one hand, and I am okay with that.

As a child, the amount of friends one has seems to be key to being able to exist happily, I was no different throughout my early years in school. I am now nearly 30 (that’s slightly terrifying!) and can very happily say that I have very few people who I consider a friend.

In the last 7 or 8 years I have really discovered who my true friends are. Those who have stuck by me through some of my most challenging times and have been an unwavering support for me.

In more recent times I have had people who I thought were very close friends, no longer feel close anymore. I have discovered that people change, or that I didn’t know them as well as I thought I did. One person who I believe lied to me about an illness and a surgical procedure, to this day I will never understand why. It sounds minimal, and ultimately, should I care that much? However, it makes me question other areas of our friendship where he may not have been completely honest. Another person became an employee where I work. Over time I have seen that we aren’t so similar after all, we come from very different perspectives and see the world, and the work we do, in very different ways. It hasn’t been conducive to continuing a friendship.

At times I feel sad that this is the case, people who I once held in very high esteem no longer being a part of my life in the way they were before. Ultimately though, it’s life. People change and move on. Sometimes we see people for who they truly are and sometimes, we just stop ‘clicking’.

I am very lucky in the friendships I do have. I have a wonderful human in my life who has been a part of my life solidly for nearly 10 years. I can rely on her to be there for me, listen to me, laugh with me and challenge me. She was the one who helped hold me together when my world was falling apart and for that, I will be forever grateful. She is my number one human that I count on my one hand (aside from my partner, obviously he is pretty high on the list!)

I think as we get older we solidify our friendships more and more. I know that more friends will come and go over time but my hope is that those who I hold tightly in my one hand are here to stay.

Shopping

Today is a bank holiday and I have set the morning aside to go shopping. I hate shopping. Particularly in the place I live, on a bank holiday, as it is going to be crazy busy. It is also bloody hot. All these things combined do not make for a happy shopping experience… for me or my partner who has the joys of coming with me.

On the list today is:

  1. Birthday present
  2. Shirt for a wedding

This is not a long list by any means and I even look at it and think yep, that is a pretty straightforward list, but it still fills me with dread. Not so much the things themselves but the experience of having to find them.

What I like to do is know exactly what I need to buy and what shops I need to go in and then leave as quickly as possible! I am not a window shopper or someone who mooches around shops. Get in, pay, get out is much more my style.

The shirt is going to be a problem… I want a very specific shirt that I’m not sure even exists. I think I’ve just made it up in my head. I’m also worried that if I do find said shirt, I won’t actually like it! I can always go for plan B which is a plainer shirt with a much more fun tie, but then I have to find a shirt that isn’t boring but will also go with the tie. It is a dilemma.

I am not looking forward to going shopping today.

3 months in – the return to counselling

I have been seeing my counsellor now once a week for the last three months. It has been a good decision on the whole, however my bank account is not so happy about it.

The counsellor I see knows me very well. I have been seeing her on and off for the last 5 years. She knows most of my quirks and my ways to attempt avoiding tricky conversations, humour being the main mechanism. Safe to say that it tends not to work anymore.

Generally I find counselling very helpful. Just to have a space that is completely mine for 50mins a week does a lot of good to my brain and helps me to get my head around things I think or feel. At times I still censor myself for fear of saying the wrong thing or offending. My counsellor has told me explicitly to say what’s in my head but as my experience in work is to tread on eggshells, it’s difficult to not do that in other settings.

The last few weeks we have been talking about anger. Anger is something I resist feeling. It scares me. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to be angry or to express anger so I bottle it up and do nothing with it (on the most part). Not good.

My biggest fear is that if I become angry with someone, they will leave me. My mum did that when I was a teen. I’d do something, she would get angry and not speak to me for weeks until I apologised (whether I felt like it warranted an apology or not!) I have no positive template for anger as the other side of anger I have experienced is an abusive relationship. So… there is no model I can follow.

I think I’m making my way slowly down a path of learning to try and express anger and it being an okay thing to do. This is going to take time. I know it won’t happen immediately. The thought literally terrifies me but I am hoping that it is a step in the right direction.

Does anyone else feel like this? I feel fairly alone.

Bumbling through

For the last three months I feel like I’ve just kind of been bumbling along. Work has not changed, it is still stressful and frustrating coupled with the impending doom of losing hours. Home life is fine but we are moving soon so a lot of my brain energy is taken up thinking about that. Not that I can do anything about it right now…

I just feel like I’m kind of staggering through life at the moment, which isn’t a pleasant feeling!

I am excited for moving although it is always coupled with stress for me. I will be moving with my partner which is the start of a new adventure for both of us. All very exciting but the actual physical moving is so daunting.

How do others cope with moving? Do you have a plan? Do you have a timeframe of packing? I tend to start packing up quite early but then live amongst boxes. But if I pack too late I get agitated about timing! Feels like a lose lose situation!

Blogging fail

So my plan was to blog at least once a week. I have failed miserably at this over the last month!

Life tends to catch up with me really quickly and the things I plan in or want to make time for fall by the wayside. It causes me no end of frustration.

I am currently away for a week, hopefully with the opportunity to have some down time, head space and find a sense of calm.

Tomorrow, I travel a few hours to spend a few days with my family, something I haven’t done for about 10 years. It will hopefully provide us with a chance to reconnect, away from the distractions of work and the general tasks and chores that take up so much time.

We are staying in a lodge somewhere in the countryside. With the countryside being such a big part of how I destress, I think it will give me some much needed time out! However, watch this space as 5 days away with my parents could be trying after a while!

I aim to blog again soon, with the intention of it not being a month until the next one!

The Versatile Blogger Award!

Massive thanks goes to Ella Dour for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award.

It is quite humbling to have someone nominate my blog, particularly as it is a fairly new venture in my life!

The simple rules for the Award are as follows:

Write 7 interesting facts about yourself

Nominate up to 10 blogs of your choice

Let people know you have nominated them

7 interesting facts

1. I love my job. It’s challenging, stressful and at times makes me want to pull my hair out. But all in all, I love what I do.

2. I hate getting my hair cut. I find it boring and a waste of time. I see it as a chore like dusting or hoovering. Frustrating but a needs must.

3. I have said this already in another post but, I still sleep with a cuddly toy in my bed. I have no shame.

4. If I could have any type of dog it would be a Golden Retriever. They are so beautiful.

5. I buy my jeans from only one shop. Burtons.

6. I am not good with technology. I find it frustrating and confusing and I just don’t care enough to learn how to use things.

7. Most of my friends are women. I just tend to connect with women better than men. However, I am incredibly close to the men I have in my life and they are men I aspire to be like.

Nominees

Okay, so I failed miserably on the nomination front… I don’t follow many blogs at the moment because I am still struggling to find ones that are active, interesting and, ironically, versatile!

I suggest you check out the blogs I have listed and hopefully you will find something that interests you!

Rain and attempted assault

It’s raining today. The weather has a funny of way of reflecting mood.

I am very much ready for this week to finish. I am ready for a few days off of work. I am ready to draw a line under the shitstorm that has been the last 4 days and move on to the weekend.

To top off my enormous pile of crap that has been work this week, I also spent one evening giving a police statement.

An absolute knobhead of a human blocked me in at a doorway, began to look massively aggressive and ready for a fight, and then tried to force his way into the building that I got back inside of. All the time threatening me with violence. It was completely unprovoked. I can usually talk my way out of things but this was a situation where I looked at his eyes and realised I was absolutely not going to talk my way out of the position I was in.

It was scary. I’ve now come down from the adrenaline rush of it all so now I’m feeling a bit low and a bit shit. Reality kicks in as to what the situation could have evolved to be. It didn’t evolve to be anything more serious but the thought is there. No matter how much I rationalise it, the ‘what if’ pops into my head. Not helpful!

I have a huge amount of praise for the police. They arrested him quickly and took my statement quickly. All helpful in terms of moving on.

It is however, the cherry on top of what has been has a shit week.

And so I end the week with looking out of my window at the rain and preparing myself to get out of bed and go to work.

I am looking forward to the weekend!